Maybe you crave connection with others, but you also want your “you” time. Maybe you want to go about your life in a way that’s authentic to you, but you also want to meet the expectations of people you care about. Maybe you want to have a healthier diet, but you also enjoy eating lots of sweets. In one way or another, you or somebody you know stands as a great example for the contradictory nature of being human. We are walking contradictions. We are people who often say one thing and do another. We believe in one thing and act in another way. In many ways, we are even blind to our contradictions, and we may even think that we are sincerely fulfilling these wants and desires, although we aren’t. And despite the normality of these contradictions, there is quite a widespread social pressure to be a consistent person — to be predictable. Constantly changing without consistent principles that can come across as inauthentic, yet, the human experience requires you to embrace evolution making contradiction a key element.
As members of society, we are socialized, which is ‘a process through which we learn, understand and apply the social norms for a society that we are in’. Deviance (not conforming to these norms) often results in sanctions — a form of rejection we naturally try to avoid as social creatures. Traits like consistency are highly valued in social groups for a range of reasons. Generally, when someone’s behaviour is consistent, it provides some sort of stability. In other words, I know what to expect when XYZ happens. Furthermore, if somebody is consistent,you can probably rely on them, which is always ideal. If you are consistent, you’re also likely committed, and therefore you are more likely to collaborate and help people in your community advance towards a collective goal. Traits like consistency make sure that we stick to our norms and values as a collective.
Now, the pressure that drives our desire to be committed and consistent may be accepted. We have a lot of incentive to conform to the expectations of the group, and that is easily achieved through consistency for one. As precious as consistency is for the functioning of our social groups, we cannot deny the inherently dynamic nature of humans. As people, we learn, we grow, and we inevitably change — sometimes whether we like it or not. Experiencing growth almost mandates contradicting beliefs you previously held if not at the very least challenging them. If you stick stubbornly to old beliefs that no longer serve you, you probably won’t have room to grow. Change is difficult. It is uncomfortable, but being open to it is honorable. In this way, contradicting yourself is not really a lack of a spine but rather a sign of receptivity to change and growth.
Let us be clear: there is a difference between being wishy-washy and going through thoughtful change. The first focuses more on changing for the sake of change due to external pressures, for example, while the latter change is inspired by experiences and the pursuit of growth. There is a level of introspection and mindfulness you need when you’re dealing with these contradictions. Of course, some contradictions are at least seemingly more superficial than others. We do not want to be overly rigid because that can keep us stuck, but we also do not want to be chaotic in our change because that makes us incredibly unreliable and perhaps difficult to relate to. We want to make sure that we are being as adaptable as we can manage while remaining principled and staying aligned with our values.
It can be helpful to ask yourself: Why am I changing this? and Is it aligned with my values? It will come to us as no surprise that our changes impact the people around us, and, sometimes, it can be valuable to share with the people who matter to you why you’re changing, where you may have gone wrong, or simply that you’re struggling. Not everything is incredibly rational — emotions help us navigate these gray areas and find a balance between growth and integrity.
While I have emphasized the importance of intentionality behind change that doesn’t take away the fact that there are times and places that call for you to seize change spontaneously. You should be free to be the person that you want to be at any point in your life, and the last person holding you back should be you. While you may owe it to others to be a ‘good’ member of your community, you still owe it to yourself to live authentically. Allow yourself to be the multifaceted individual you are. Being graceful with the contradictions of others might reveal to you the very contradictions that you live in. It’s okay to not have it all figured out and for your alignment to change from day to day. As it was famously said:
The Only Constant in Life Is Change.
Heraclitus
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