Having been born and raised in Colombia, there’s a deeply ingrained emphasis on being ‘bien-educado,’ a phrase that, in theory, means ‘well-educated’ or nice. What I once saw as a fundamental societal virtue has morphed into something suffocating. One that now demands that people be perpetually polite, deferential, and self-sacrificing. Being nice has transformed into a teaching in which people are expected to avoid conflict, say “yes” when they want to say “no,” and put others’ needs before their own – in other words, people pleasing. Frankly, I’m tired of it and all I want to be is ‘mal-educado.’ Here’s why:
The Misconception of Kindness
It is a well known fact that kindness is a virtue. It fosters empathy, strengthens relationships, and creates a more cooperative world. Scientific studies even show that acts of kindness trigger the release of dopamine and serotonin—neurotransmitters that enhance happiness and well-being. Additionally, endorphins, the body’s natural painkillers, can be released through acts of kindness.
However, when kindness is forced rather than chosen, it stops being fulfilling and becomes a burden. Society’s emphasis on “being nice” at all times turns a natural act of goodwill into a lifestyle of conflict avoidance, emotional suppression, and self-neglect. That’s not kindness—it’s self-erasure.
A World of Pushovers
While being considerate is important, the pressure to always be ‘nice’ comes with consequences. For instance, it becomes impossible to advocate for ourselves, set boundaries, or express frustration when we’ve been wronged. As a Latina—and especially as a woman—society expects me to be agreeable, whether that means politely holding a door open or silently enduring harsh criticism from elders simply due to their age
We’ve conditioned ourselves to accept belittlement and exploitation simply because it’s seen as ‘nice’. But who really benefits from that? Certainly not ourselves. Frankly, after a long day of studying and you’re home late, do you want to pick up your classmate’s call to explain a topic they don’t understand? And when your teacher yells at you unfairly, how satisfying is it to just sit there in silence?
We are worth more than we allow ourselves to believe. Constantly prioritizing ‘niceness’ isn’t always in our best interest. At times, we must be firm. At times, we must be assertive. And sometimes, we have to say things others don’t want to hear. At the end of the day,it doesn’t make us ‘unkind’ — it makes us human. So, no —you don’t have to accept or tolerate anything that doesn’t serve you.
The Facade of Niceness
Excessive ‘niceness’ doesn’t just make us pushovers; it also creates fake people. Admittedly, we all know that one overly ‘nice’ person. They always lend a hand, never say anything negative, and are constantly smiling. But let’s be honest —no one is always that agreeable. If they are, it starts to feel fake.
It may be easier for us to hold that facade instead of owning up to being ourselves. Being authentic falls out of the norm, and is scary. Instead of striving to be the “nice” friend, we should strive to be the honest friend—the one who won’t lie about an outfit looking good just to spare someone’s feelings, but will offer real advice out of care.
The Revamp: Embracing Authenticity
We need to change the connotations associated with “nice.” Being “bien-educado” should mean being honest, genuine, and kind—not being a doormat for people to walk all over. True kindness is a choice, one that should be welcomed but not expected constantly.
So, how do we break free from “niceness” ?
- Don’t agree when you would rather say no. Go along with what makes you feel comfortable, even if it’s a struggle.
- Stand up for yourself. When things don’t sit right or you feel mistreated, don’t let them go unchecked. Remember your worth.
- Be vulnerable. Take down the facade that turns you into a people pleaser, and instead, embrace being open about your true emotions. You will find people gravitate more towards honesty than sugar coating.
At the end of the day, it’s the people who take advantage of our silence, the systems that expect compliance, and societal norms that keep us in check. However, we are not obligated to make everyone comfortable at our own expense. I, for one, would prefer to be genuine, honest, respectful, and caring when I wish to.
